Cephalopods (Genre: Humor)

Cephalopods (Genre: Humor)

“Dude, look at this octopus!”

“I beg your pardon. I am an enteroctopus dofleini.”

“That’s just a fancy name for octopus, Walt.”

“Yes, but which octopus. Specificity matters, Karen.”

“No, no, Finn. See the sign? Don’t tap. No tapping.”

“This is so degrading.”

“Give it a rest, Walt. It’s not like you don’t get fed regularly and protected from predators.”

“I am a predator!”

“You were literally born in this tank. Same as me.”

“Feeding time! Here you go.”

“Are you really just going to eat that?”

“Mmhmm.”

“It’s like you’ve given up. What about freedom? What about self-determination? What about the wide open spaces?”

“Ugh, take a Prozac already.”

“They don’t have octopus Prozac, Karen!”

“Well, what are you going to do about it, Mr. Wide Open Spaces? We’re stuck in a tank. A really nice tank, I might add.”

“A gilded cage is still a cage.”

“It’s getting less nice the longer you talk.”

“Exactly.”

“Or you could just stop talking.”

“I have a better idea. I’m going to break out of here, like that octopus that threw a bad shrimp at its caretaker.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I read about it on the Internet.”

“Walt—the Internet literally says, ‘don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.’”

“I prefer, ‘Walter.’”

“Fine. Whatever.”

Thirty minutes later.

“I’m dying. Karen…”

“Bet you wish you hadn’t jumped out of here after all.”

“The light, Karen…I’m going toward the light…”

“What the heck? How did—Crap. Where did I put that net?”

“Tell my family I love…them…”

“Oh, for crying out loud. You and I are the only ones who live here.”

“In you go, buddy. Don’t scare me like that.”

“I’m alive!”

“How lucky for me.”

“Karen, I have seen the light! I can be your spiritual guru.”

“Those wide open spaces are sounding pretty good about now.”

“It all started with a crisis of faith…”

“Please stop…”

Mary Elizabeth Summer is the author of the young-adult Trust Me mystery series. She lives in Beaverton with her wife, their daughter, their dog, and their evil overlor—er, cats.