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Tales of a Beaverton Super-Mom: 2013 – My Best and Worst Mommy Moments

| January 1, 2014 | 0 Comments

By Maureen Wilson

18-super-mom-leadA year of Christmas letter reflection really doesn’t say it all; although we love hearing about the accolades of everyone’s children and all the vacations that were taken, a true recap could be caught in the daily quotes of our kiddos. Looking back, I found a few funny moments and a few tear-jerkers; but mostly I just wondered how my kids will look back and remember their childhood. Apparently I’ll have to stay alive long enough and read THEIR columns to find out.

Kiana, as she’s dreamily peeling carrots for a dinner party:

“Remember back when I was 3 and I used to be a Double Dipper??” That was SOOOOO long ago!! Good thing I’m over that now.”

I’m sure our guests will be appreciative of the miles you’ve come in one year.

As we’re getting on a ride at Disneyland…

My 6th grader says dryly, “Hey mom, you really shouldn’t go on this ride. It says ‘No Expectant Mothers.’ And we all know you have high standards and expectations for us, particularly in the CHORE department.”

Hahahaha, girlie. Just be glad I closed up the sweatshop to take you to the Happiest Place on Earth. (And a whole new level of humor is added if you’ve ever visited my very “lived in” home.)

Me, to the 4 yr-old:

“Kiana, would you rather take art or swim lessons this winter?”

Kiana: “Um, swim lessons. But this time can you get me a teacher?”

Sure. But next time you’re on your own.

Kiana returned from feeding the guineas pigs with only a few stalks of celery left.

“Honey, where did all that celery go? What were you doing?”

“Me and the pigs were eating. One for them, one for me.”

Well, this is certainly the suburban life I imagined.

Aurelia, randomly, as we head to soccer practice:

"There are only two things that make me NOT want to have children–1) the actual PUSHING out of the baby, and 2) the whole sperm and egg uniting thing. If it weren’t for those problems, I would totally have a baby tomorrow."

There is obviously a lot to consider as you head into 4th grade.

Word of advice…never sit in the front row of your daughter’s middle school open house.

Because there just might be a chance that earlier in the day, your 4 yr-old discovered a box of panty liners in the grocery bag, peeled off the adhesives, and, unbeknownst to you, decorated the inside of your vest with them. And you’ll probably discover this fashion tragedy while casually glancing down at your zipper during the middle of the principal’s long speech, leaving you with no choice but to quickly cross your arms, pinch the bridge of your nose, and avoid all eye contact in an attempt to stifle an oncoming fit of embarrassed giggles…making you appear pretty much like a 6th grade girl.

On the flip side, no one can say I wasn’t the Most Sanitary Mama in the room.

Aurelia: "Mom, did you have any boyfriends before daddy?"

Me: "Well, sure, a few."

Aurelia: "Reeeaallly?? Have you broken up with them yet?"

Totally forgot. But I’ll add that to tomorrow’s to-do list.

Kiana announced at dinner…

…that she’d found a new sunblock in our bathroom and had been applying it liberally to herself daily when she got out of the shower, including her "whole, entire fathe" and "bottom crack-th."

We asked to see what this sunblock looked like. She brought down Hossein’s deodorant.

We’re at Target trying to return a duplicate DVD we received as a gift when the cashier asks if there’s anything wrong with the product.

Before I have a chance to answer, Kiana nods knowingly and whispers slyly behind her hand, "It’s pwobably inappwopwiate. They watch that stuff all the time AFTER I go to bed!!! AND they eat ice cream WITHOUT me!"

This after she asks me this morning if I’m aware that mommies can ALSO be on the naughty list?

Feeling a little guilty, naughty, and inappropriate today. And it’s not even 10 o’clock.

My pre-teen, in complete exasperation…

…informed me that I apparently didn’t understand the concept of embarrassment, nor had I experienced it enough in my life to sympathize.

Perhaps it’s time to share some stories from my childhood. Or my adulthood.

This stuff usually doesn’t get to me, but today when my 9 yr-old was scrolling through old pics on the computer and said,

"Mom, remember when you were young and pretty? I mean, remember when you were skinnier?" (Sees smirk on my face and quickly changes tune.) "I mean, you’re still pretty, just in a different way, but remember when?" it struck a bit of a nerve. (Because truthfully, some days even I get a little wistful for that young and carefree blonde who had way too much fun and made her share of mistakes.)

Fast forward to 30 minutes later when Kiana chooses "The Velveteen Rabbit" as her naptime reading–a book I haven’t looked at in years–and we come to this passage:

"It doesn’t happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand."

Next time I’m just going to tell Aurelia that 42 and a little life experience makes a person REAL pretty.

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Category: Beaverton Voice, Tales of a Super-Mom

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